Siiksai

disconnected

2007-05-22T06:49:27Z

I haven't been to Rashans in weeks, the people I seemed to know best have faded and I know nearly of what is going on anymore, my mind has changed as well, thinking of different things, taking different priorities... However I still look back, and I have little reminders here and there, truly I have become detached from everything and everyone

I still am me for the most part, and still very much a dragon, nothing will ever change that fact ^.=.^, but where it was the only thing in my life before, my only hope and love, now there are other things to attend to, no matter how much I want to lift myself from the moving track of life to cling to this, life just keeps on going, I will be heading off to college in the fall. Finally I can go somewhere where there are minds at work, and people with a purpose, I felt so stuck in the mud where I was before, so different from everyone, and just because I knew who I was, and what path I was going to take in life. It is something to look forward to, but still it requires a lot of my attention to get things right, so I must back out of my little sanctuary within my mind for now, and get things done.

Sitting here and writing this, I wonder if anyone really will read this, knowing that Fury might, and Draco, but really no one else. Sad really, but as I said before, life just keeps on going, and it's better to just keep pace

siiksai @ 2007-05-13T15:06:00

2007-05-13T21:06:38Z

Reaching out for you
Grasping at nothing
why can't you feel me?
why have I become so alone
amongst so many friends?
of all the promises
why has this one been broken?

blink blink

2007-01-26T04:22:18Z

well i recieved my very first death threat today, for being a dragonkin

it was kindof amusing actually, i never expected to ever get one

i am not afraid of it at all, most likely some zelot looking to hate somone
but wow... somone threatening to kill me for my beliefs, thats a new one for me

found a little place...

2006-12-09T21:54:45Z

today started horribly... i was feeling all my faults throught my life, every thing i hated about myself, i was in a rather hopeless state, and i was just suffering

but i did something just now that really cleared my head, i needed to get out, the longer i stayed in my room the worse i felt

i grabed my sketch book jumped my my car and took off... i dident really have a place to go, but i have this nice long road i like to drive on, goes through some beautiful land

anyway while i was driving i found this place, its along a cliff, and it overlooks the city, i decided to pull over
and i sat for awhile staring over the edge, just thinking
grabbed my sketchbook and a pencil i had broght along, turned on some music i had with me and just drew
i sat there for i dont know how long
just sorting things out, drawing, thinking

after a long while i drove back home, with a smile on my face
and a peaceful mind

Love

2006-11-20T20:50:22Z

i have fallen in love with somone, someone very close to me, at first I did try to ignore my feelings, but they just grew and grew,

there are no words to discribe how I felt when I stopped trying to shrug it off as nothing, and accepted it for what it was, I could write for hours on how I feel now, those who have fallen in love before, you know what I mean,

this dragon is very special to me, these powerful feelings I have for this person, this dragon, are abundant and free flowing as are their feelings for me

Filling The Void

2006-11-16T05:31:49Z

out with the old and in with the new so to speak
to finnaly gain that certain somehting, somehting i had filled so much of my life with, my hope and dream coming into actuality, was amazing, the overwhealming happyness that i had from it...was something i havent felt in a very long time,

however it left a void in my life, where all that i had put into it, all the thought, all that hoping and dreaming, there was nothing anymore, just suddenly and wonderfully gone,

but slowly things are starting to fill it again, more aspirations to be acchieved, more dreams to be fulfilled, and more goals to reach!

Taking charge!

2006-11-10T04:13:06Z

I love you as a brother, you have always been there for me, and i for you, i have sat back and watched you succed in everyhting i wanted to, i have been happy for you,

But here its time i take the lead, i will get better, i will move forward and surpass you and never stop, i will make you watch me from behind now, i will make you chase me as i have chased you, this is my motivation, my vigor... my promise

hmm....

2006-11-06T21:42:07Z

Well some interesting things have been coming up and... well, im tying to just laugh through it
its quite a complex and the story branches from many aspects so im not going to be writing it out
but it seems that, due to certain things coming up, there is a possibility i was wrong about what i looked like...
and that im not the dragon i thought i was, but rather a dragoness @.=.@
im simply taking it as a posibility, nothing is certain at this point, and im gathering what information i can at the moment
so those that thought i was rather freaked out the other day, this is why, it shook me up a bit, but im just kinda laughing about it and taking it one step at a time
so im fine now
just wanted to elaborate some on this

siiksai @ 2006-10-30T16:27:00

2006-10-30T23:38:20Z

I see people around me, people i care about deeply, i see them suffering, and i can feel it, as if their pain was my own all at once, i want to help them but i cant, its ripping me apart,
im there and i listen but, why? why cant i say what needs to be said?why cant i make things better!? why does it pain me so much? why cant i go numb like i used to?
why do i care so much when i cant do anything to stop it?
and im tired of hearing, but you are helping Siiksai, because it doesent feel like it,
and i know its a lie
at least... thats how i feel it is

siiksai @ 2006-10-18T17:02:00

2006-10-18T23:09:25Z

i have a friend, that i care for a lot and i mean a LOT
its somone that without, well i wouldent know what i would do
and i feel very strongly about it
but i get the feeling that they dont see me quite as the same way, and i keep feeling like i have to prove myself, show that i can be just as good a firend back as they have been to me

i know its selfish and i know i should expect it, i dont know if they realise it or not even

its just a feeling i get that always comes up and it just stings to think that way
but im not going to act on it, i wouldent dare do anyhting that might push them away i care for them too much to even risk that

its somehting i just had to write down
*sighs*
also im not saying its somehting that i worry about constantly, when there around i love their presence so much, i just had that slight hope that they would feel somewhat the same, although they say things once in awhile that point that they are sometimes, its definitely not a constant feeling that i get, that all consumeing, i hope i see them today, i hope i can just talk with them forever and let all my troubles wash away

sorting out my thoughts...joy...

2006-09-24T09:50:51Z

i was so angry... hehe whats new... Siik is always angry at somehting

well Jacree came back for a while today, joy! .... maybe?
draco was quite happy to see him, i never new Jac well but from the conversations we did have i was happy to see him as well
turns out he came on to say that he would be gone for good, his internet wasnt good enough to go online and he was giving up

it drove me crazy and i couldent figure out why, sadly i basicly told draco to go away when i started feeling that way, good ole draco will forgive and forget, but still feel bad about it

i took a long shower to try to figure out why i was so angry, at first i thought maybe it was because he would never come back... but then i never knew him that well, and i continued thinking about it, i was in same ways angry that i would not get to know him better, from what i had heard he was a good person, in many ways like draco, and i cant get enough of bouncy little draco... so it would have been nice, also another thing i found, draco was taking it wonderfully he seemed so happy, i dident see how, still dont, i mean this is draco the one who at the very mention of Jacree's name would get all sad, i mean DRACO SAD thats hard to do, but he had the hope that he would come back and what of all things makes him happy??? him coming back to say never again
it makes no sense at ALL! ARGH!
and lastly, i always head about the relationships he had with everyone around, seemed like everyone liked him, so he had a bad internet, but does he try to get a better one? does he go once in awhile to a library or somehting and use a public terminal? no he gives up completely on everyhting, just a "thats it im done"
*throws arms in the air* nothing makes sense anymore

hell maybe if everything doesent make sense to me, maybe im the one who has lost it!
weeeee
hey look its siik, hes always angry, he is always confused, and COMPLETELY INSANE!

*walks out*

Stolen From Fury (Yoink! ^.=.^)

2006-09-20T02:47:08Z

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of Live Journal?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

growls

2006-09-19T02:42:50Z

my family, argh
they just dont know how to leave me alone
its not that i hate them, its that whenever im around, no matter what happens it turns into a fight, il get accused of things i dident do, il do somehting wrong thats so small and inconcequental and still it will be treated as if i had killed somone, and not to mention that whenever im around no matter what i do my parents poke fun at everyhting i do and expect me not to freak out, and when i do it escalates the situation, so i do the only thing that keeps people happy around here, i become a recluse
its somehting i have, sadly, goten very good at

argh, i cant stand to be around them
so much so that i havent come down from my room save for leaving the house, and i make it out as quictly as possible
this also means that i havent eaten because i wont go around the kitchen

to hell with me if im allowed to walk into another never ending rant where i have to hold my tounge

but on the other hand i have found the peace and quiet up here qute nice and have retreated into my own thoughts where i can take time to answer the questions that are always on my mind, which has in turn made me quite calm and complacent

face to face, a thought for two?

2006-09-15T23:17:23Z

i came face to face with another dragonkin finnaly YAY!
though there wasnt much time to talk :/ oh well
theres always time
for the moment
but stull YAY!
still hard to believe we have seen eachother for so long without a clue
heh
^.=.^

also i have been inspired to work on a very large project, somehting that just kinda exploded into my head one day, and me and a friend are going to work on it, its gonna take awhile but if it comes together... *smiles*

(me and my friend, oddly enough, came together one day to talk about ideas because each of us had come up with somehting, i decided to let him share his first... it was almost exactly the same as mine, he also relayed a very familiar story about how he came up with it...very strange... but thats another story for another time)

if we finish it il post it somewhere for everyone to see

YEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-12T21:48:18Z

*bounces* i found a dragonkin online thanks to Ethelshai, that not only lives incredibly close to me, we have seen eachother every day for the past month without a thought!

and im really excited cause were ganna chat for the first time tomorrow, with full knowledge of what we are actually!

IM SO HAPPY I CANT SIT STILL!!!!!!!!
Ethel can also vouch for this as i cant sit for a moment to chat with him without having to pace the room with anticipation

SRY ETHEL!

siiksai @ 2006-09-09T10:26:00

2006-09-09T16:31:49Z

yesterday, was one of the worst days i have had in a long time
the future i had been working so hard to get, gone, dead... a friend who i cared for deeply also is gone, i will rarely ever get to se her ever again, my secret in which i dreaded getting out, because of what i am capable of... i have lost controll of

at first i cryed
then scremed
then felt nothing
i layed for hours just staring at the walls, broken, beaten, lost
there is no more emotion as if that sudden destruction of so much around me had ripped away my ability to feel anyhting
and still i sit here, numb
i dont know what to feel
what to think
anything...
im lost

thinking

2006-09-02T04:22:39Z

well i have been sick and been very inactive online, however i have some medication for it and im feeling a bit better i still havent been active much... i had a very vivid dream last night... it was kinda complicated and i myself still dont understand all of it, it involved some of the people i know, but it seemed i dono sometime in the future, not all technological and that by future i mean like the people i know i saw them, older...changed....matured, i remember just feeling a sickening sadness i was incredibly joyed at seeing these people...but to know that i had to say goodbye again, really wrenched at my heart, last thing i remember i was laying in bed weeping
it was a very emotional dream i had, very powerfull
and as i said i really dont understand all of it, but it has been on my mind all day
even now i can still feel that impact, the feelings it brings up as i think of it

*snifles*

In the Clearing of My Mind

2006-08-22T02:05:48Z

Every time i take a look into myself i always find somehting new sometimes its interesting, sometimes exciting, and always important
i just lay down, close my eyes and let my mind drift, this time i came to somehting interesting, it was a place
it was very quiet in a peacefull serene way, out in a wooded area, far from anything, there was snow on the ground, the trees limbs were covered in ice and snow, there was no wind and the air was crisp and cool, a pine tree stood in the middle of where i was seeing, still green and its branches were also covered, i knew how that tree felt, it was if i could reach out and feel the cool bark, i could smell it as well the strong scent of the sap seemed to pour over me
here in this place i felt so at peace
it was beautiful

ack ish sick....AGAIN!

2006-08-16T22:52:42Z

well im sick again.....BLEGH
at least it wasnt as bad as before....
oh wells at least i gots good company ^.=.^

HATE!

2006-08-11T05:19:35Z

all of a sudden i felt my entire life come back crashing on top of me,
and im furious! against everyone that ever wronged me and got away with it, i have showed SUCH tolerance my entire life and now that i look back on it it makes me SICK, im sick of FORGIVEING PEOPLE WHO CONSTANTLY WALK ALL OVER ME, SICK OF IT, maybe it will get the message putting my elbow through thier face?! WONDER WHAT THEY WOULD FUCKING THINK OF THAT!!
people dance all over the line i place let me change the tables, the line just moved, and YOURE ON THE WRONG SIDE
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*pants* i dont know whats goten into me, i feel so much hate
so much rage
everyone that ever wronged me
i hate them
i hate them all!

paces Ick

2006-08-09T20:39:18Z

well, im incredibly bored, im right in between big things and this, well there is nothing to DO, Draco is at work, most of the stuff i have on my computer i just dont feel like doing,none of my friends around here are avalable to do anyhting, in a few days i will be very busy with life and all but for now....oh so bored...
and its hot as well wich drains my energy, gas prices are just getting stupid so i cant just go for a drive or anyhting....so i sit here and write to myself unable to really do anyhting else, or bring myself to at least
...ick...

Just tell me

2006-08-06T08:07:19Z

i dont like it when people snap at me, yell at me, or get angry with me especially when i dont deserve it,
however if you do it to me, explane yourself, i may not be happy with it but im not heartless and i understand people have problems so dont snap at me and run away
just tell me
i will usually understand
im a forgiving person
*smiles warmly*

on that note however dont push it to far, i do have my limits
as does anyone else

roars hapily

2006-08-04T05:29:54Z

listening to good music
talking with friends
confidant
just got back from art class
this calls for my first HAPPY post!

depressed, worried, angry...you name it

2006-08-03T21:12:51Z

well, i thought i would write about somehting...but now that i put my hands to the keys
i just cant say anyhting
im sorry that each and every one of my journals have been in some way depressing, its just not easy for me right now, if its not one thing its another... il be happy again...sometime
for now i just take things as they come...

ARGH!!! WTF!?!?

2006-08-01T22:19:27Z

im very frustrated right now, i get online quite happy and seeing a friend online i, of course, want to go chat with him have a laugh and such, but instead he has gone and taken his RP so seriously that he is just plain mean in chat, and all i can say is WTF!?
now im not happy, and quite irritated, i now am displaying myself as to appear offline right now so that i dont have to deal with it, this is driving me CRAZY
and again
W!T!F!?

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!
*walks away*